Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
