if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
