have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
