i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
