So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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