I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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