I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
