I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
