I think I won the penis lottery.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
