I want to make a zoo with you.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
