Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
where are my eyebrows?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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