My first STD was from a foam party
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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