Who wears a wallet chain?!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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