Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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