How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
