I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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