zippers are such a cool invention
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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