Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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