either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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