The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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