so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
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Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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