I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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