he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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