I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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