Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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