Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
