You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
