Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need water and some morals
Randomize
