In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
