i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
