You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
