two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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