fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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