I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
