get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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