Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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