life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
