Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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