I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Panties = found
Randomize
