I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
