I don't think brook has ever known best
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just had sex on a roof
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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