Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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