Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
