Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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