I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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