I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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