Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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