I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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