Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
