i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
