I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
