my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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