I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
These tits shall not be calmed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
