My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
