woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
