the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
