JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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