i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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