either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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