You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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