Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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