i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
